How My Prayers Began to Change

I never thought myself the type of person to be controlled by anyone.  I am a strong-minded woman, who speaks her mind pretty freely, and I have been told I can be intimidating to some people.  I am in no way a mean person, in fact I absolutely hate confrontation.  So for me to find myself in a position of “weakness,” controlled by my ex-husband and the games and tactics he would use during our custody suit, would be considered unfathomable to anyone who knew me.  But when you are in a custody suit, and the well-being of your child is at stake, emotionally manipulating someone by using their child is the quickest way to break a person.

Let me explain quickly the gist of the situation I was in during this time.  All communication was through email so that everything was documented for the courts.  Having sole custody means that you have the “burden” (as so indicated in documents) of being responsible for relaying all important aspects of your child’s life and well-being to your ex-spouse.  What my ex would do was take my words and twist them.  A simple conversation in regards to potty training at night, where I would allow my son to wear night diapers, turned into my ex stating that I was pretty much a horrible parent for encouraging our son to wear diapers on a daily basis.  Notice I stated that I allowed him to wear night diapers, he remained in underwear during the day as the problem of wetting himself was simply at night.  And for the record, anyone who has ever raised a child knows that wetting the bed is part of a child growing up, and that they all learn to get up to use the restroom on their own time.  After all, it wasn’t like my son was going to go into the 3rd grade wearing night diapers at bedtime!  Was this trivial in the aspect of life?  Absolutely, however this applied to almost every aspect involving our child.  One day his father picked him up while he still had his play clothes on.  His pants were a little short, but he had been playing in the yard and he knew he could roll around, play ball, in essence be a kid since these weren’t his “nice” clothes.  Well, I received a scathing email from my ex making me feel like horrible mother,” what was his child support going towards?”, and if I needed help in buying clothes he would just do it for me since I was not adequately dressing our child.

I can’t tell you how many emails I received where nothing I did or said was right.  And if I showed any emotion whatsoever in defense, that was used against me too.  My attorney saw right through his antics, as any rational human being would.  But when someone continually undermines you on a weekly basis, sometimes a few days a week, it wears you down.

I felt lost, and to be honest this is something that I am just starting to sort out and get through.  The custody suit lasted for almost a year, and the judge sided with me but gave him an opportunity to amend some of the time-sharing.  He had twenty days to do so, and he never did.  What does this say about him?  Was this really about his son?  His need for control?  A possible need for control over me?  I am still unclear, but I can tell you something that helped me tremendously and is a great starting point for anyone going through some sort of trial in their life.

I started a prayer journal and I bought a book called The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson .  Any time I felt weak, hopeless, completely mentally drained by the antics of my ex, I would read and then write. I can’t tell you how much this helped.  This book not only taught me how to sort through my feelings, but it taught me how to pray.

I learned that praying is truly having a conversation with God. I went from telling God what I wanted in a broad sense, and learning to pray for things specifically. From there, I went from telling Him what I wanted from Him at the end of praying over a situation at the time, to ending my prayers with, “If it is Your will.”

Now, this takes practice and this takes time. Because when we are in a situation where the light at the end of the tunnel is nowhere to be seen, we pray for things to be done the way we want them so that we feel better.  But once that light begins to show us our path, our prayer changes so that we give the glory to God in the way He chooses to answer our prayers.

My prayers which were once: “Lord, I come to you in prayer asking that you have my case dismissed. Hopefully this will ease tension with my ex so that once again we can co-parent,” then changed to “Lord, if it is Your will, and if it is in the best interest of my son, I ask that you allow my custody suit to be dismissed.”

You see, this had nothing to do with me and what I thought was best, but with God knowing what was best for my son.

Once you change your prayers, your prayers change you. It has the power to change your situations. And once you see how God can change your situation, your trials, your hurt, then you truly begin to see the glory of God and His hand in all you ask of Him.

About me

In order to understand my search and meaning as a Christian, it would only be fair to explain who I am.

I am divorced, let’s just say I have been married more than once, and I am a single mom.  When my son’s father asked for a divorce, he agreed to give me sole custody of our son. I later re-married, he did as well, and then in the beginning of 2016 he had me served with papers.  Basically, he wanted more time with his son but wanted to pay less in child support.

What came of this was almost a year of pure hell as a custody suit dragged on.  Not only was I called names, but there was never any peace in communicating in regards to our son on various issues, and on a few occasions even harassing emails and texts. I couldn’t believe that someone that I once was able to communicate with and give consideration with extra time with his son (and someone that I loved with all of my heart) could ever treat me with such inconsideration, hate, and just pure evil on some occasions.

This year wrecked havoc on my marriage.  And while I would never blame my ex for the demise of my new marriage, it certainly didn’t help matters. If I am really being honest though, yes, in many ways I do blame him. I blame him because of how this changed me as a person, how it affected my relationships, and how it affected me mentally and emotionally.  All of which I will explain in greater detail later.

On top of this, I was watching my mother’s health decline as she is currently battling Alzheimer’s.  Many nights I would leave my own family, and run to the aid of my father who needed help in taking care of my mom.

Where was God in all of this?  This isn’t fair!  This isn’t how my life was supposed to end up.  Why me?

What I learned is that it takes getting to rock bottom, and ending up on your knees in prayer, to fully understand God’s love and grace. My hope is to share my story, share my journey in fully understanding on what it means to be a Christian, and to connect with others who are searching for a love and a peace that only God can give.

 

 

In the beginning…

To say that starting this blog was an easy undertaking is a far cry from help.  Let me first begin by saying that I have always considered myself a Christian.  I have tried to do the right thing in every aspect of my life, I have gone to church, said my prayers, done more for others when it even meant tiring myself out.  Yes, fellow readers, dare I say that I even thought that believing that Jesus dying on the cross for my sins to get me into Heaven was enough.

But it wasn’t…

It wasn’t, because I did not know who I was as a Christian. It wasn’t, because I couldn’t stand and look at myself and have the perfect explanation for anyone in regards to my actions or decisions.  But then, wasn’t I a good person?  I went to church and followed God’s laws as best as I could.  Or did I?

Was I a Christian?  Were my decisions God based and not man based?  Did I follow God’s laws without any hesitation or questions?

No, no, and no.  And thus my journey began…